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Inside the Mind of a Crazy Women...the Sarah Story

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October 30th, 2010


07:44 pm
My cat has kidney failure and she is dying. Thinking about her not being here is incredibly difficult. My earliest memory is when we got her. I've never lost a pet before and I don't know how to do this. I keep finding myself crying and it is no fun at all. Why can't she live forever, this isn't fun.

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October 24th, 2010


10:47 pm
My thesis teacher told me to read a book to get ideas about how to write my thesis. Reading it, I'm doubting whether I can actually write this paper - I don't know if I can get through it. I think it might be too personal, too soon. I want to write this as a way of freeing myself - but I don't know if I'm ready - I'm doubting that I'm "cured". I'm scared that I'm digressing into a state I don't want to be in - but I think it is largely out of my control at this stage.

I'm so sick of people, that I'm isolating myself from everything. Why make plans, only to have them continually broken? I feel out of place, alone. I'm not mad that people are in relationships - hell everyone should be so lucky - but at some point shouldn't hanging out with me be enough? I hate that every time I'm with a friend they're texting that other person, that plans I've made to go places and do things get changed because they show up. That vacations, trips, birthday plans, everything is placed on a second burner, contingent on whether or not other options with that special person appear. I can't compete with my best friends boyfriend, but I shouldn't feel that I need to either. I want to feel like I'm important to someone, that I'm a worthwhile person.

France was incredible, but I honestly think it was the worse thing I could have ever done. I went away, and had such a wonderful time, came back and expected my senior year to be everything it should be. But, somewhere along the way I lost everything I came to love from home. I hate living at Amherst. I hate being here. But when I'm home the loneliness is too much. I want someone to say that I'm good just for being me, and I want them to mean it.

When I was having a hard time in middle school fitting in my mother said that things would get better in high school. In high school when things got tough I was told I would find my way in college, and now I hear how the real world will be the place for me to shine. I'm starting to think that the only place i'm truly excepted is in my head; when I daydream how life should be, when I make up fairytales about finding that one person who gets you, when I dream of magic and happiness. And that, I think, is the saddest thing of all.

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June 12th, 2010


10:17 pm
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

I've been dreaming a lot lately, mostly dreams that involve people from the past, high school specifically. It's been hard for me to move on, really hard. I'm starting to doubt that I ever truly will. sigh.

Is it shallow to think that a boyfriend would fix everything? Sometimes I wonder. I'm 21 years old, people I know are getting engaged and having children. weird. will anything ever change? what can I do to make me happy?

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately - all the dbt, all the everything - and nothing seems to be able to fix this? will anything ever be able to ?

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April 18th, 2010


12:09 am
I've been so lonely in France with all of the recent drama, all I have wanted was a hug from my parents and I was going to get it tomorrow.

And then a volcano erupted a million miles away and now they aren't coming to France at all. Either is my aunt so my trip to Prague has also been canceled.

I want to go home. I want a friend here.

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April 11th, 2010


11:40 pm
Today when I logged onto livejournal it prompted me with this question:

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?

I would like to say that I would be happy with my life, with my choices, with myself, but I know that I would really only be kidding myself.

Still it makes you wonder - would I have done anything differently? Of that I have absolutely no idea.

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February 24th, 2010


08:46 pm
I love France, but I miss having my friends around.

Sometimes studying abroad feels very lonely.

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December 26th, 2009


10:46 pm
One week.

Way to many emotions to even begin describing.

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November 9th, 2009


03:08 pm
Today I decided to look at all of my old photos on facebook.
I miss high school, strange but true. I miss being friends with everyone from NHS, I miss being loved, I miss just being me.

In the last two years I feel as though a part of me has died. Which I guess is true to some extent. I live a totally different life then I did then. I want to move on, but I keep getting stuck in the past.

This weekend was hard, his 21st birthday and I wasn't a part of it at all. What happened? What did I do wrong? Why did you and everyone else go away?

Sigh. And now I'm crying. Great.

I miss my friends from home, I really don't know how to make anything better. But just so you know, I want to.

I'm sorry.

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October 3rd, 2009


11:53 pm
You light the skies up above me
A star so bright, you blind me, yeah
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away, don't fade away, oh

[chorus:]
Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl
We can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side
We can rule the world

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now, don't leave me now, oh

[chorus]

[bridge:]
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you, for you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you, for you



I feel like the only one without their star.
Are you out there?

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November 3rd, 2008


04:58 pm
Fuck my life. I'm done.
It's horrible to know you are all alone without any chance of anything getting better.
I'm tired of feeling like this, I'm tired of the pain.
All I want is for someone to call and ask if i'm ok, because i'm not and i need a friend.

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